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Because I'm tired and this installment of dating advice we've doled out recently over at allexperts.com is long enough already, we're not gonna bother with any pithy intro. Instead, let's just dive right in, okay? Here goes...Questioner: Misa
Subject: Is he interested?
Q: Hi, I was hoping if you can give me some answers on whether he is interested in me or not. I'll try to be detailed as possible but short.
We went to the movies last week (our first time actually hanging out after meeting at a party way long ago). Before the movies, he texted with a "hey there, whatsup?"
me- "nothing, at work, you going to party tonight?"
him- " nothing much either, thinking about just doing something quiet tonight, possibly movies"
me- "oh, have you seen inception? let's go watch that, i've been wanting to go!"
So in a way, I guess it was me who initiated? It wasn't a date though, just normal friends hanging out but he paid and won't accept my money (But guy friends usually do that anyways, right?)
After the movie, he asked what I wanted to do next but it was already 1 a.m so I said to just go home.
We went outside the movies and he kept stalling to say goodbye, or at least it seemed like he was.. He kept using his phone as we were standing there, and talked for a bit. He then told me to text him tomorrow to hang out again but I was said "Oh no, how about you text me instead? I'm going to be at work the whole day and you're the one with all the plans so let me know if you do something!" He said "Okay" and we said goodbye, hugged, and parted.
He still hasn't talked to me since.
I just want to know if he is interested in me.. honestly, I am a bit attracted to him but the whole movies thing, I just treated him as a friend, even when I told him to text me instead. But I feel like I sent off the wrong message and he probably thinks I'm playing some mind game and he's waiting on me to text him back?? What should I do??
A: By going with you to a movie, paying for you and then asking what you wanted to do next, I'm sure this guy was hoping that you'd say something like, "Let's go back to your place and make out." So when you said that you were just gonna head home, he probably assumed that you weren't interested in him. Not that you said or did anything wrong... you didn't. It just sounds to me like this guy either isn't familiar with or comfortable with the awkwardness of the first stages of a potential relationship. How old of a guy are we talking about here?
Should he have texted you the next day? Sure. But if he thought that you might reject him, he may have taken the preemptive strike of not bothering to contact you.
From what you've told me, Misa, I'd be willing to bet that he is interested in you, but just doesn't know how to go about expressing that. Which is why you need to do the coolest, hottest thing any girl can possibly do... take the initiative. Send him a text. Invite him somewhere. Don't ask him if he's available to go out to dinner or whatever. Tell him you're hungry for fajitas and he should come with you to the nearest Mexican place on Saturday evening. Or whatever.
Maybe he'll reject you. If so, no big deal. It happens. His loss. But I'm betting he'll go with you. Give it a shot. What do you have to lose?
Q: Hi Jeff, thanks so much for getting back to me!
I asked him out to grab a bite today and we went out to dinner earlier.
He acted quite different from last time at the movies; as if we were just "friends" (which is expected from the way I treated him last time!).
During the convo, he brought up about his ex-gf, about girls he saw at the club the other night and etc. Basically sharing his point of views on other girls! What the heck?
But he paid though, like a gentlemen (then again, guy FRIENDS pay, no biggie, right?)
And this time around, he didn't wait around to say good-bye. It was quite brief and quick, didn't bother to ask if I wanted to do anything later. Which is again, expected, from my rejection to him last time.
Now the question is, what now? I already asked him out for dinner this time, should I just wait it out and see if he asks me out the next time around? I think that's the best thing since I already made my move.. and if he doesn't doe anything, guess he's not interested anymore and I should just move on, right?
A: Nice work asking him out to dinner, Misa. I'm telling you, most girls are either afraid to do so or fail to realize how much guys enjoy that. Everyone, both male and female, likes to be wanted.
Now, as for him choosing to discuss other girls at dinner, I don't think this is entirely a bad thing. While I would never recommend that any guy ever bring up his ex-girlfriend unless specifically asked, most guys are just too dumb to realize that there are very few ways to do so without making yourself sound unappealing. But perhaps he brought her up, along with the girls from the club, as an attempt to demonstrate to you that other women find him fun and interesting, so you should do the same. When done properly, this can work wonders. However, it's all in the delivery.
Here's an example of a bad way to bring up other girls: "Man, my ex-girlfriend was such a bitch. Actually, me and some buddies were at a club the other night, and I thought I saw her, but it turned out it was just some chick who looked kind of like her. But seriously, there were some good-lookin' broads out that night." Anyone who says that sounds like an idiot with an ego.
But if he were to tell a humorous story about how he's pretty sure one of the bartenders at that club has a crush on him because she always smiles at him when she hands him his Corona or whatever, that would be a better way to casually work in the fact that other women may or may not find him acceptable.
Basically, what I'm saying is that his heart may have been in the right place, but if you left that dinner thinking his choice of conversation sounded a little douchebaggy at times, than he obviously failed.
As for paying the check, though, you either have some extremely generous guy friends or everyone you know is secretly trying to sleep with you. When I'm hanging out with platonic female friends, I never pay for them. A guy should never pay for a girl until he's actually dating her. Even then, the girl should offer to pick up a tab here and there (maybe one out of every five or six). This isn't the 1930s. It's the price women have to pay for acquiring the right to vote and earn equal wages.
Best of luck to you, Misa.
Questioner: Ella
Subject: Why did he change his status
Q: Hi, Ive been "seeing" this guy for nearly 3 months now. It's a complicated relationship and we're not offical, as of yet due to the distance between us this summer because of being away from college. the problem I have is, that things were great, but an ex of his got jealous, she dumped him previously and when seeing us together wanted to get back with him. He refused and told me he wanted to be with me, and when one night she confronted him telling him, she wanted him back, he said no, and rang me the next day telling me nothing happened and that months down the line, he didnt want that to ruin us. I do believe him.
However, recently he used to have "single" as a facebook status on his profile which was fine as we were not official and now he has removed that "single" completelty and has no status at all. Im just wondering why he would do this and has he possibly met someone else as it was such a random thing to do. Also our keeping contact is quite sporadic, he often ends conversations via text or fb, randomly but has since the begining so I never thought anything of it, but him being like this has often blocked me from wondering what he actually feels.
other bits of information include that, he told me once how he met his ex in a bar, and she asked him if we were going out, and he told her, "he didnt know" even though we werent go out. And he told me this information. I just wonder why he would tell me this. He has me very confused. Also he mentioned a friend who he said then interupted them, whom I recently found out, doesnt even exist.
I appreciate your advice on this and I apologise for the length but I'm truly confused about this guy.
A: In the immortal words of Tony Soprano, "Fucking internet."
Once upon a time, back before Facebook and text messaging and everyone always knowing where everyone else is, this would've been a much simpler situation for both you and this guy. He would be in his little town during the summer, and you'd be in yours, and you'd both be free to do whatever you wanted without fear or hesitation. If you wanted to remain fully committed to one another, that'd be lovely, and the two of you could call one another on the phone each evening to chat about various nonsense and discuss your respective days. But, as tends to be more common when you're talking about two young people who live far apart, if either you or he wanted to use the distance to continue to sow your wild oats before reuniting in the fall, that could easily be done.
Instead, though, we're all interconnected and, for all the good it has brought us, it seems to have led to an increase in paranoia and distrust. And when a significant other doesn't answer their cell phone after a few tries, for instance, or when they go so far as to change their stupid Facebook relationship status, one can't help but wonder exactly what is going on.
If I were to venture a guess, because you describe your relationship as "complicated" and state that you're not official, I'd say that this guy is doing exactly what he should be doing during breaks from college: Going out, meeting other girls and trying to convince them to make out with him. It doesn't sound like he's necessarily leading you on in any way, so it doesn't seem to me that he's doing anything wrong. Sure, he could be direct with you, but have you ever tried that? Breaking up with someone you're only sorta dating is almost more excruciating that dumping an actual girlfriend.
My advice is to follow his lead... use the summer to get out there and meet other people. Don't put all of your proverbial eggs in his basket. Keep your options open until you and this guy are actually in a non-complicated, committed relationship.
Questioner: Jatin
Subject: My best friend
Q: Hi Jeff :)
My names Jatin, Im 17 years old.Ive been Best friends with this amazing girl since about 3rd grade,which is about 10 years now. Recently I seem to have gotten feelings for her but Im too scared to tell her how I feel.. I really like her,but i do not want to risk our friendship...we only meet on weekends because she has many classes... I really love her..what should I do? Please help me..
A: Thanks for writing, Jatin. Let me ask you... why do you say you love this girl? How is she better than any of the millions of other teenager girls out there? Is she actually better, or is she merely more accessible? Because at the risk of sounding cynical (and kind of old), I think you should consider the possibility that you're seventeen and, as a result, you're ready and willing to have sex with anything that crosses your path. Sure, this friend of yours might be fun to hang out with and you might make each other laugh, but are you truly in "love" with her, or do you just want to nail her because she seems readily-available and she's non-threatening? Because the odds really aren't in your favor here, Jatin. There is a very good chance that she only sees you as a friend, in which case any romantic advances on your part would freak her out. But even if she was harboring some feelings towards you as well and was willing to not only admit them, but also act upon them, it probably wouldn't work out in the long run. Maybe you'd date for a year or two, but then you'd get jobs or go to college and you'd gradually drift apart and end up rarely speaking to one another. The thing that you may not realize about being seventeen is that, over the course of the next five or six years, you will evolve dramatically. Your beliefs will evolve, your opinions will evolve, and your tastes will evolve. And chances are, when you're twenty-whatever, you'll look back on your relationship with this friend of yours and realize that it was nothing more than a silly crush.
But there's one other thing you may or may not realize about being seventeen... the choices you make (provided they don't involve any felonies) will really have no effect on the rest of your life. In other words, if you're going to make a questionable decision, now's the time to do so. As I've said many times, if you're going to regret something, regret it because you tried and failed, not because you sat around and let opportunity pass you by.
So if you really like this girl, here are my suggestions:
1) Stop using the word "love." You don't love her. You're infatuated with her because you're seventeen and she's a chick who talks to you. If you were to call her up and confess that you love her, she'd think you were crazy.
3) Be prepared, though, for the possibility that you might not be such good friends with her if this doesn't pan out. But also be aware that even if you didn't give this a shot, the two of you would probably drift apart anyway over the next few years. So what's the harm? Go for it.
I wish you the best, Jatin, and if there's anything else I can help with, let me know.
Q: Hey Jeff, Thanks for the reply.
First of,I want to make it clear that I have no intentions of going into a relationship just to have sex. I have known her for 10 years,and I do know that she is better than millions of other girls there. She is different,she doesnt care about her looks like other girls,who put on tons of make up just to look sexy and want to get hooked up.
Yes it may be true that we will go off to different colleges,but come on! I dont want to be 70 years old and depressed in life thinking "what if I did tell her my feelings".
And I apolagize for using the word "love",but I love her as an amazing friend and person. I'm really going to miss her when she leaves,but dont you think she deserves to know my true feelings?
OH yeah,one more thing. She isnt one of those girls who flirts,shes kinda like a tomboy.
A: Jatin, I'm sure that your intentions are good and that you're not merely interested in using her for sex. All I was saying was that lust and love can often feel like one and the same. In my younger years, I would regularly fall in love with every girl who paid any attention to me. Or at least what I thought was love. I could easily envision our entire intertwined futures. It wasn't until much later in life that I realized that not all relationships were meant to be, and just in case we only have so much love to give over the course of our lives, it's better to not waste it on those who don't feel the same.
But I agree with you regarding not wanting to be 70 years old and having regrets and, as I said, if there is ever a good time in life to take risks and make questionable decisions, that time is now. So my advice is to go for it, using any method which you find comfortable. You don't want to start hiking and flirting with waitresses and wait for her to come around? That's fine. But if I may, let me offer some additional advice if you've decided to tell her directly how you feel...
Don't talk too much about your feelings. Especially if she's a tomboy. Women don't want a guy with feelings. They want a guy who is strong, independent, occasionally distant, occasionally mysterious and can fix cars and hang shelves. They don't want some pansy who cries during movies. So if you want to tell her that you like her and you'd be interested in dating her, so be it. Just don't write a three-page letter comparing her to a butterfly and explaining just how deep your love for her is.
Questioner: Vick
Subject: I don't know what to do
Q: Hi, I am a 20 year old guy who never had a relationship before. This summer, I met a great girl, and right now I am having some problems. I asked this girl out to lunch after talking to her and getting her number, and she gladly accepted the invitation. We went on to lunch, and we talked for over 3 and half hours before I suggesting leaving. I felt the lunch went great as we found out more about each other. Then I asked her out on again few days later, she agreed again. However, on the day of our date, she texted me saying she has gotten a second interview from an internship so she couldn't make it. So I said okay but thought maybe she's blowing me off. Later that night she texted me saying she felt bad and would go with me some other time. Just then a week past, and I asked her out again, and then again on the day of the date, she texted me this time saying she had a fever and couldn't make it. This time I really felt that she's giving me the hint that I should back off. So I texted her back asking if she's okay. She said she's fine, and once she got better, she will definitely go with me. The questions I have are these. First of all, do you think she get the idea that I like her by now, because I never really mentioned anything romantically so she might think I am just asking her out as a friend. Secondly, was she really trying to blow me off? and Lastly, if she's not blowing me off, does she have any that kind of feeling for me at all?
Thank you, I am really confused since I never had a relationship before, and it would be great if you can help me answer this question.
A: Well, Vick, it does sound like she's blowing you off. A single cheesy excuse is one thing. Two of them in a row seems fishy. But the thing is, her reasons for blowing you off might have as much to do with her as they do with you.
See, some girls are just plain weird. Hell, most girls are just plain weird. So what you may have encountered was a girl who was enthralled by the possibility of hanging out with you and potentially dating you, but when confronted with the reality of dating you (or anyone) she got scared. There are any number of reasons that something like that happens. Maybe she has an ex-boyfriend who she still hopes to one day get back together with. Maybe she has an ex-boyfriend who dumped her and broke her heart and she never wants that to happen again, so she can't bring herself to get close to anyone. Or maybe she's just insecure about her body and is terrified of the thought of you or anyone seeing her naked. There's really no way of knowing. Either she's intentionally rejecting you or she's merely indirectly rejecting you. Regardless of what the case may be, don't take it personally.
You have two options in life: 1) Accept that rejection is a part of life when it comes to meeting women and dating, overcome your fear of rejection and learn to not let it sting when it happens. Or 2) Allow rejection to negatively affect your self-esteem until you eventually give up and decide to spend the rest of your scared, miserable life alone, hiding in your smelly apartment reading graphic novels and painting die-cast models of Star Wars characters.
What I'm saying is that this girl's actions don't matter. There'll be plenty of others who blow you off in some form or another over the course of your life. It's just the way it goes. Think of it as their loss. Shake it off, then focus on finding the next one.
And who knows? Maybe this girl will come around and eventually send you a text reading, "Hey, you wanna grab lunch?" And, you know, maybe she'll even show up. But don't put your life on hold waiting for her.
Questioner: misskitty
Subject: Question
Q: hi, okay so long story. I met this guy, and he then he wanted to go out sometime so I did a couple times, but Im not all that into it. Well ever since then (like a month ago) he keeps wanting to get together again and I say "im busy" and what not, hoping he'll get the point. and let me say, hes always been verrry persistant to begin with, and hes not stopping. He keeps texting and trying and even said "well u definaley would have time this day.." I feel like hes forcing me into a relationship. Then my friend and I accidently ran into him at a bar one night when I said I was "busy", and I thought maybe this would be a clue, but no he continues. I usually vagely answer his texts to be nice, but now I am ignoring them cause he keeps being overly persistant. This makes me feel really bad, but I dont know what to do. I feel if I tell him I wanna just be friends then he'll wanna go out "as friends" but I know he'll still want more than that. Help, I can't get away! Its like no matter what I say or excuses i make up, he has an alternative option to, and he wont stop.
A: Stop responding to him. He thinks that if he keeps persisting, he'll eventually wear you down and talk you into sleeping with him. Sadly, he probably doesn't realize how annoying he is. He probably thinks that he's funny and charming, so he can justify his behavior. Let me guess... is he in sales? He probably thinks that, with enough face-to-face meetings, he can eventually talk you into buying what he has to offer.
You obviously don't really want to be friends with him. You think he's kind of a douche. So simply stop telling him that you're busy. Stop politely replying to his texts. Trust me, you're not the first girl to reject him, and you won't be the last. He can deal with it. As long as you continue to answer him, he thinks he's got a chance.
Questioner: Janine
Subject: Mixed Feelings Or Am I Just Blinded?
Q: I'm 20 years old from Saint Louis. I really need someone else's point of view. I've been driving myself crazy to figure this situation out. Me and this guy Tyler started off great! Chemistry was there, we were getting along. From both of our sides we became instantly almost territorial of each other. I meet his friends, they become my friends too. Suddenly, he begins to distance himself from me. I asked him to tell me if he didn't want to see or talk to me anymore and he never would answer that question. Always a vague response or something like " If you don't hear it from me, don't believe it ".
Fast forwarding, on my birthday I ask him if he wants to hang out and he texts me back saying that his friends said I messed around with one of his roommates, which is completely untrue. I go over to his place to confront him and naturally I catch him off guard. His whole demeanor was different towards me. He was cold, cruel and just mean. He tells me that I have the wrong idea and that there's no emotion between us and that it didn't matter if I did or didn't, he doesn't care. Almost like I gave him the opening he needed. As I wait for my ride, the room is just silent, we're not talking at all. I tell him don't worry, you'll never see me again. He says in a soft voice compared to the harsh tone he was using " Janine, I never said I didn't want to see you again " and then he shrugs after he says it. I catch him looking at me, then he continues to fiddle with his cell phone. He kept standing in the door way, so I told him it was okay, he can leave, his friends won't mind keeping me company and he shakes his head no and says " I'm not gonna just leave you here ".
The next day I ask him why he did what he did to me, he tells me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, but to leave him alone, just being real ornery to me again. So a few months go by and me wanting to not have tension between us, I ask him online in a playful way if we're cool again, he responds back saying " Yeah, we're cool fool ", so I assume everything's fine between us again.
I had made a status update a week prior about him, but I never mentioned a name and it basically was saying how I don't regret the moments we had and that it was electric between us, but I deserve better, well the new guy Marco I was seeing, jokingly comments on the status and says " This definitely isn't about me ", well a week later Tyler comments on the status and says to Marco " Yeah, its about this guy " and Tyler begins a war of words with Marco. They go back and forth just arguing.
I find out later that the two have continued the argument through messages. After everything was said and done, Marco sends me the messages between him and Tyler, where Tyler has said things, like " I have more to lose than you do " to then saying he doesn't want me, but if he did he could take me from Marco. After I confront Tyler about this, he flips the script on me, tells me that Marco doesn't exist and that he was arguing with me the whole time. Tells me we just had sex, that's it, calls me crazy, tells me to get real with life and then he blocks me before I can respond, but he doesn't block Marco.
A month goes by and me wanting to once again, not have tension with anyone and move on from negativity, I try to find out what really happen and I send Tyler a message. He tells me that he doesn't read any of my stuff anymore and to shut up. Now, I'm angry, out of anger, I say some things that added fuel to the fire I'm sure. I believe I struck a nerve or two with him. Whenever I text him, he never replies, but I know he reads them.
Tyler's ex Lindsey, who I've never met, messages me, basically telling me to lose Tyler's number and that she went through his phone and saw my texts. I'm extremely blown away. If Tyler really hates me or just has this huge dislike for me, why isn't he the one telling me directly that he doesn't like me and that he wants nothing to do with me ever again? He hasn't had a problem saying what he feels or doesn't feel. All I wanted was an answer from him, but now I feel like that's something I'll never get and there's unresolved tension between us. Was I blind and overlooked the signs that he did in fact like me or blind to the fact he never liked me and I'm an annoyance to him?
A: Here's what I'm guessing happened, Janine... Tyler is kind of dumb and extremely insecure. When you two initially hooked up, he thought it was fantastic. Right up until the point when one of his idiot buddies got jealous that Tyler had met someone. Realizing that all he had going on in his life was his relationship with his XBox 360, the buddy started goofing on Tyler. Maybe he made fun of him for being pussy-whipped, or maybe he said that he heard you were a giant slut, or maybe he just told Tyler that you were weird-looking. Then Tyler's roommates joined in. They only intended to bust his balls, but being young and inexperienced, Tyler took their comments to heart. He became embarrassed to be with you, so pushed you away, thinking that he'd be able to do so without hurting you. It was a noble, but ultimately unsuccessful, effort on his part.
Now as for you, Janine, you're not innocent in this ordeal. Why are you posting comments about Tyler while you're seeing someone else? Why can't you focus on Marco and trying to make that work? Are you so desperate for attention that you need to dredge up the past? You knew Marco would see that message and inquire. And you knew Tyler would see that message and think about you. You're young as well, so I'll cut you some slack, but knock that stuff off. It's cruel and manipulative, and if Marco knew what he was doing, he would've realized your heart wasn't in it and ditched you right then and there. And you would've deserved it. And trust me, there will come a time in when, instead of dating goofy twenty year olds, you'll be dating 26- and 27-year olds who are more familiar with the ins-and-outs of dating and will recognize that you have ulterior motives and, as a result, not take you seriously. Sure, they'll take you home and bang you, but they'll clearly see that you're not dating material from the get-go because of your questionable intentions. I'm not trying to insult you, Janine... I'm merely telling you that such behavior as posting vague Facebook comments about ex-boyfriends with the intention of making others jealous is and always will be unacceptable and it's in your best interest to reel it in now.
My advice is to stop contacting Tyler. Between his initial rejection of you, then his fight with Marco, then this Lindsey chick getting in touch with you, Tyler seems to be a confused kid being pulled in fifteen different directions. And none of those directions point to you. Sometimes we don't get the answers we seek. Don't make the mistake of believing that you always deserve them. You can't force someone to talk to you, hang out with you or date you. These things happen naturally, or they don't happen at all. Let Tyler go. You two had a brief fling, and for whatever reason, it didn't work out. That won't be the last time that happens for either of you. It's just the way of the world.
Questioner: Hannah
Subject: After anger
Q: Hi Jeff. I would appreciate your advice. I have been in a long distance relationship with (now my ex) boyfriend for the past one year or so. We were planning to get married and put a lot of effort into the relationship but we then started having arguments and when we met this continued. I felt at times that he was controlling and demanding. He wanted me to talk to him on Skype every evening for hours and if I went out, he was angry but in a way that made me feel guilty. So he would say for example that he knows I am having fun without him, not missing him etc. I loved him very much and it felt to me that I was the one always on trial, so to speak, having to prove my love for him. I found it draining esp as he then started to say I will only leave, I do not love him ... yet he was the one putting the phone down on me, always talked about wanting to end the relationship, telling me to find someone else, that he is not the man for me (I asked him about that and he told me that he was angry and that he did not say I was not a woman for him - go figure ?!) telling him not to contact him anymore and when I didn't, then he was angry that I didn't. I was confused and exhausted from everything and it hurt me when he was sabotaging our relatinship like that. It was difficult for me too not being able to spend time with him physically but I thought we were working toward being together. Yet, with his behaviour I started to lose confidence that our relationship would have any future. I ended it with a heavy heart, it was not how I wanted things to be and all got very bitter, sour in the end. His jealously just got too much and he was accusing me of being unfaithful, wanting to be with other men etc ... I just did not have the energy to reason with him anymore. I broke up with him and he was angry, saying he saw it coming for a long time, that he is actually happy ... I was hurt because he did not stop to think why we have reached that point and that it was not my choice. I concentrated on myself, getting my energy back and after few weeks contacted him to say 'Hi', see how he is doing it. Deep down I am hoping he will consider what has led to our break-up and that we will work it out. I somehow doubt it, considering his silence. How do I get him back yet ensure our relationship is better?
With thanks,
Hannah
A: Hannah, I'm hoping that this ex-boyfriend of yours gave you plenty of reasons to adore him when you have been in the vicinity of one another, because from what you've told me, now that there's a distance between you, it sounds like he's a whiny, insecure idiot who deserved to get dumped. And I just hope for your sake that he wasn't always like that.
It sounds to me that he was so convinced that he's not good enough for you that he's gone ahead and engineered the break-up that he already feared was coming. Chances are, for the past year, he's looked at himself in the mirror each morning and thought to himself, "Wow, I'm hideous. I can't believe someone like her wants to be with me. I can't believe anyone wants to be with me. If I were a chick, I wouldn't want to be with me. I'd want to be with someone much better looking. And smarter. And with more money. And a better car. And a better job. And better fashion sense. Yada, yada, yada." And because he was so insecure about himself, he sabotaged the relationship.
You were right to dump him, and honestly, I'd advise against trying to work things out down the road. This guy's an idiot. And he'll always be an idiot. If he's willing to fight with you now over his own dark suspicions, he will always find reasons to fight with you. In five years, you'll go out on the town one night with a few of your girlfriends, have a few appletinis and get home late and mildly drunk. Do you really want to walk in to find him sitting in the dark, waiting for you with a menacing look on his face, vaguely accusing you of making out with guys at the bar? Because that's what guys with anger issues and no self-esteem do.
I'm sure you see good traits in this guy. But these bad traits that you're also seeing lately? They'll never go away until he recognizes that they're wrong and takes steps to fix them himself.
Q: Hi Jeff. Thank you for your reply, it does make sense. My ex used to accuse me of being interested in money only and mentioned on at least few occasions that even if I find someone super rich, I will be looking for someone richer. All the things he accused me of never made any sense to me, it did not sound like me at all and none of my friends or anyone that knows me would describe me the way he did. I did suspect he was insecure, it is easy to feel insecure in a long-distance relationship and I struggled too but I had to trust him, as I loved him and wanted things to work out. I loved him and still do (to some extent) as he had lots of loving qualities and I hoped that if we were together his insecurities would go away. He mentioned to me on a couple of occasions his anger issues and turbulent relationship he had with his father so I feel I can understand his fears and insecurities. Deep down I fear you are right, that he would always find something to complain about. Unless he realises he has an issue and decides to do something about it but so far I don't think he has. He has left me no choice but to walk away and he is probably happy now because he can say to himself just how right he was about me i.e. that I will eventually leave him. I only wanted him to be proud of me and love me, as much as I loved him. He has left me a subtle hint that he wishes to speak to me and it may seem harsh but I feel that a hint is not enough. If he truly wants to speak to me he should be confident enough to express his thoughts, feelings and apologise for his bad behaviour. I suspect he is testing the ground by dropping a hint he wishes to speak to me but I do not know how to let him know that. So far I ignored his hint and I suspect I really just need to put it all behind me.
With thanks,
Hannah
A: It's sad because, in many ways, I'm sure his issues stem from whatever his parents did or said to him. But that thing is, almost all of us had parents who were shitty in some form or another. But unless they strapped you into a car and pushed you into a river, you have the opportunity to grow up and become your own person. Sure, that childhood trauma stays with you forever, but you have the choice to either take responsibility for yourself, recognize your parents' mistakes and do everything in your power to live your life differently, or you take the easy way out and follow in their footsteps. Sounds to my like your ex has chosen the latter. It's not entirely his fault for being messed up... but it is his fault for not taking responsibility and letting those issues rule his life and affect his relationships.
I know it's tough to walk away from anything into which you've invested significant time and energy, but I don't feel like this is worth saving unless he miraculously changes. Maybe give him another chance down the road if you'd like, but right now, you deserve someone better.
Questioner: Britney
Subject: interest after rejection?
Q: Hi, I asked a guy out for coffee at this business expo thing, and he said no, that he had a girlfriend. No big deal, I'll never see him again.
When I was leaving suddenly he came up and started asking me a thousand questions about myself, what I did, where I was from, where I lived, and he gave me his business work number.
He asked if I was coming back to the business expo next time. I said yeah.
My question is...how come he's all of a sudden asking all these questions after rejecting me? (he knows I don't want to do business with him and he knows I'll never be a client of his)
A: Not all people cheat on their significant others. But if they're in, say, another city and they know there's no chance of their significant other finding out, they'll at least give it some serious thought if an opportunity presents itself. So I'm guessing this guy responded accurately when he said that he has a girlfriend. Then he thought to himself, "Waitaminute... this girl wants to go out for coffee? That's just code for sex, isn't it? Dammit! Why'd I tell her I have a girlfriend? Maybe I can still catch her!"
Q: Well he didn't ask for my number. How much are you willing to bet that by next month they're broken up, from his behavior. Opinion?
So you think next month when I see him at the expo, I should chat him up? The only thing I want to be careful about is that I want to make it clear that it will be a proper date. If we go for coffee I would make it strictly around lunchtime or afternoon. I don't want him getting any ideas.
A: Here's what's gonna happen: At the next expo, he'll tell you that he and his girlfriend are no longer together, because he thinks that's what you want to hear. He will be lying. The girlfriend will still be wherever she resides, blissfully unaware that she's dating a scumbag.
Which leads to the inevitable question: Why do you want to go out for coffee with this guy if you know he has a girlfriend?
Even if you're lonely and you just want to bang someone, wouldn't you be better off finding someone who hasn't already acknowledged that they're dating someone? Because if coffee goes well with this guy, you're gonna eventually have dinner with him. And you're eventually gonna go back to his hotel room for drinks afterwards. And you're eventually gonna sleep with him. And you're gonna sleep with him again a week later. And you're either gonna enjoy it or you're not, but if you do, you're gonna eventually develop feelings for him and maybe he eventually leaves his girlfriend for you or maybe he doesn't, but if he does, then you're suddenly the lucky gal who's dating a scummy guy who has no problem cheating on his girlfriend. And then there will eventually be another business expo that he goes to without you, and you'll get to sit home alone picturing him having "coffee" with some other random chick he meets there.
So seriously, what's the point of hanging out with this guy at all?
Q: I still really want him.
Well I looked at his facebook profile, his girlfriend is UGLY AS HELL...I'm way prettier than her...she has a fit body but her face looks like she's 50....and he is one of those super hot guys that can get any girl. I am not a 10 or a supermodel, but I am in the 8-9 range. She is about a 5.
They had only been dating 1 week before he announced on facebook she was his 'serious girlfriend' and 'possible marriage potential' he had just broken up with his girlfriend about 5 days before that whom he said the same thing about.
She is also 35 years old and still just a waitress...I'm a doctor. Not that there's anything wrong with being a waitress, I did it in college...
Sorry to sound arrogant, but I look like Catherina Zeta-Jones and I'm a physician...making LOTS of money. You think there's a chance he might want to upgrade? How do I approach him if so?
A: I hate to break it to you, Britney, but you're not necessarily an upgrade over anyone. It doesn't matter that you're Catherine Zeta-Jones in a lab coat... based upon your letters, it sounds to me like you're judgmental, self-centered and malicious, and I'd be willing to bet that any guy who hangs out with you for an extended period of time can clearly see this. You know how you occasionally sit at home alone watching Ugly Betty marathons and wondering why you're single when so many "lesser" girls have managed to snag a guy? It's because of your attitude.
The amount of money you make doesn't matter. Not one bit. Your looks barely matter. Sure, they might initially attract a guy, but they get less important with each passing day. Once someone has slept with you a few times and grown familiar with the curves of your body, he cares far more about the conversations you'll have afterwards. All any guy wants is a girl who is nice and sweet and caring. And those who are lacking in these areas will find most of their relationships fizzling after date number two or three, when the guy realizes that sleeping with a hot, self-absorbed girl is just not worth the aggravation.
I'm not trying to be mean to you. But someone needs to bring you back to reality. Your arrogance is not remotely attractive. Pursue this guy if you want, but don't do so thinking that you're some prize. You're not. No one is.
Questioner: Jack
Subject: Attracting an interested girl
Q: I am a college student and l recently met a BEAUTIFUL girl with an amazing personality in a summer class I took in July. I initially didn't even notice her until she started showing me attention. The first time, she simply smiled at me. The next time she asked me a question regarding the class. After that point on she started acting as if we had always known each other. She would walk into class, seek me out and smile. We would sit next to each other at the library. She even knew my name before I introduced myself (probably heard it during attendance). She initiated physical contact as well (touching on the arm, back, hugging). Which was strange because we didn’t really know each other that well. Anyways, I do realize she is a friendly person but she socialized with no one else in the class except one of her old friends and me. On the last day of class, I asked her if she wanted to hang out and if she had a cellphone. She said yes, but that it was easier for her to hang out when classes were in session since her parents were a bit difficult and she didn’t have a cell phone. I thought this was an excuse to avoid me, but soon she gave me her screen name (for instant messaging) and her home phone number without my asking. I confirmed with a mutual friend that her parents are in fact very religious and strict. After the class ended, we talked online three times…in a hurried manner (her responses were enthusiastic, but hurried nonetheless) and she hasn’t been online ever since. I haven’t tried calling her in 2 weeks because I am a bit apprehensive about her interest in me and I do not know if she has ever dated anyone in the past. I am not nervous about the parents. I am more than willing to talk to them and I am a nice enough guy. My main question is: does the fact that she gave me her home phone number by choice reason enough to give her a call? Mostly I am discouraged by the lack of communication and if this will make her forget me or make her lose any interest she might have had in me. Should I just call her up now or wait to run into her in person when classes begin again in September?
A: So you and this girl are still in the same geographic vicinity, Jack? If so, give her a call. And when you do, just be nonchalant. Don't ask her out for a romantic dinner or anything. Don't invite her to a movie. Tell her you need help picking out a new pair of shoes. Or some new tropical fish for your tank. Whatever applies to your situation. Just give her something that she can help you with. And then take her to the mall or wherever, stroll around for a bit, get your shoes or fish, and be cool and charming and spontaneous the whole time. Definitely be spontaneous. You know why? Because if this chick grew up in a strictly religious environment, she's been told to repress her desire for fun for her entire life, and she's ready to explode like one of those cans of snakes. So as the two of you are strolling past the Cinnabon or the store where they sell those manhole-sized cookies, say to her, "You know what? I haven't had a giant cookie (or a cinnabon) in years. I'm getting one, and I'm gonna need you to help me eat it."
And if, by chance, she's not available to help you pick out shoes or fish this time around, just wait until you see her again in September and put the same sort of plan into effect.
I'm rooting for you, Jack. In a lot of ways, I'm jealous. You've got a girl who is, presumably, severely sexually-repressed interested in you. Back when I was in college, I would've loved to have been in your situation. If you play your cards right, she'll blow your mind. Among other things. Keep me posted, and if you need any additional advice, let me know.
Questioner: carissa
Subject: boyfriend planning on cheating?
Q: I found out that my boyfriend, and husband to be, since we are engaged, has asked an old girlfriend out to have dinner or lunch at a place that is like "our" place to eat. He has said before that he briefly dated 3 women that are on his facebook (which I can't stand!) and she is one of them. He said it never worked out with these women, but he remained friends with them. I don't like feeling this way, but why would he try to make plans to ask her out? Just as friends? he told me he doesnt believe in cheating. Im worried.
A: He's lying to you. He wants to sleep with her. Maybe he is hoping for one last fling before you two get married. Or maybe he's miserable and wants out of your engagement. I have no idea. But he doesn't want to be her "friend." Men don't have much need for female friends. Given the choice, men would much rather spend their time drinking beer, eating nachos and discussing the blitzing schemes of the New York Jets with other guys. Men who stay in touch with ex-girlfriends or include women in their social circle do so for one reason and one reason only: the possibility of sex. Maybe those men are not actively looking to sleep with those women. But they're nice to have around just in case they find themselves single (or not, in the case of those who have no problem cheating) and lonely and a few beers deep on any given night.
Is it possible that your boyfriend doesn't have ulterior motives? I suppose there's a chance. But if so, why didn't he tell you he was meeting up with the ex? Why did you have to stumble upon this information? And why is he taking her to "your" place, which I assume is at least reasonably nice? When you're not trying to impress a girl, you meet her for lunch at Taco Bell and you split the bill.
Keep a close eye on this guy. Sounds to me like he's up to no good. You're right to be worried.
Questioner: student
Subject: Odd response?
Q: Hi, I need help from an older person. I went to speak with a staff member of my college, the financial aid officer. Not a professor or dean or anything, just a neutral person. I had told him (I'm a woman) that this guy was constantly always bugging me and harassing me at school, he would not stop...and he just shrugged. His response was "well yeah we see students fighting with bloody noses all the time, smashing each other's faces in - they're all friends again the next day."
That response perplexed me coming from a school official. What do you think?
A: In order to become a college professor or dean, one has to sit through hundreds of hours of classroom lectures, read thousands of pages of textbooks and instructional manuals, and learn to intelligently discuss their beliefs and theories with other like-minded individuals. Thus, by the time one becomes a professor or a dean, one has acquired not only a large base of knowledge, but also a pretty good understanding of how to interact with others and get their points across.
On the other hand, in order to become a financial aid officer, I'm pretty sure that all this is required is a two-year degree from a community college. And you might not even need that.
In other words, there are probably plenty of retards working in financial aid offices, and it sounds to me like you encountered one of them. He's not qualified to help you with personal issues and, based upon his reply to you, he probably shouldn't be interacting with students at all, as he sounds like a shitty representative of your school. You'd be better served discussing your situation with a student counselor or the dean.
Questioner: Zvi
Subject: Should I tell my date that I have kids?
Q: I met a sweet girl online and after a few days of virtual chatting, we had our first date. She’s 2 years younger than I am and we had a good time on the date. I kept physical contact limited to holding hands and kisses on the cheek because I didn’t want it to go further until I told her my secret… I have 5 kids. She was really into me and wanted me but I told her at the end of the date that even though I am equally attracted to her, if we can please hold off until I shared with her something about me – perhaps on a second date. She was very acceptive and we have a second date this week. My body tells me to sleep with her and than tell about the kids but my mind tells me that this would be wrong and would be taking advantage of her. I’m almost certain that I will lose her if she knows I have so many kids. She herself does not have any. The kids don’t live with me and I only see them for a few hours every few weeks and I don’t think they would be a cause to tamper my social life. What should I do?
A: Just out of curiosity, how old of a guy are you, Zvi? And are these kids all with one woman, or are they spread out across several?
While no girl is going to be thrilled that you have so many children, if you can honestly tell her that you were with another girl for many years and you thought you were going to be together forever but it didn't work out and now you only get to see your kids occasionally, then she won't be able to criticize too much. Of course, if those kids are by five different women that you casually dated (and knocked up) in your early-twenties, then this new girl has every right to be incredibly skeptical of you.
Either way, tell her. And when you tell her, don't say it as though you're ashamed. Tell her that you made some impulsive decisions in your younger years and, as a result, you fathered some children. While you would probably do things differently if you had the chance, you don't regret anything, as you love all of them. And as for the mother (or mothers)? You cared for her (or them) deeply at the time. You thought she (or they) was (or were) "the one." It simply didn't work out, but you still keep in touch with her (or them) because you know it's best for the children to have two caring, attentive parents.
Regardless of what you say, she might run for the hills. But spin it the right way, and you'll have a much better chance of her sticking around.
And should you get the chance to sleep with her, do yourself a favor and wear a condom.
